If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
