I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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