The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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