You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You pole danced in your parka.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
