she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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