I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My bed smells like the plague
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
