I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
