you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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