I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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