What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
