I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
