your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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