Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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