Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
