Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
