Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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