im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
