she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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