I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
