dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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