So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
