It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think weed is turning my hair brown
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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