You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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