I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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