Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
