wrigley field is MILF paradise
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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