so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
