In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
