mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he shaved USA in his pubs
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
