i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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