my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
