my phone needs a breathalizer
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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