Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
