OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the condom got lost in my hair
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
