i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
