i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
