come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
