I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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