i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
