So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You ruined the universe
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
