do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
