Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
