Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
