im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
