My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
