And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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