u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
