You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
