Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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