Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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