I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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