I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
