Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
