Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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