I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
