just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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