Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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