I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
