So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize