Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
cat food counts as protein by the way
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize