Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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