He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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