Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
