I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
