The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You ruined the universe
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
